I haven’t played Call of Duty 4 in a long time, but this new hacker outbreak got me thinking about these rare creatures of the gaming world. I began pondering what these animals achieve from hacking, what type of pleasure they derive from it, or if there really is some sort of biological process, like the smell of a female in heat. What I discovered might be shocking to some. Also, I know the Call of Duty patch is already on the way, this is simply an article made to try to understand the elusive hacker.

First off, I did not play the game first hand to witness the cheaters in action. Why? You ask, because I already sold the game, and it would just have pissed me off too much, diverting me from my unbiased, scientific study. So instead of delving into their predatory habitat, I visited the Youtube zoo, where I could see them in captivity without fear of getting mauled or bitten.

I was flabbergasted by what I saw.

Obviously, the comment section (people chatting outside the exhibitions) was bursting with rage. I kept my cool, and even though I was tempted, I did not decry the foul actions of the caged creatures (I am very professional), but I took notes nonetheless. Below are some examples of the Hacker Haters’ comments:

greg1445441

“its (Expletive deleted) like you that ruin the game. Im happy they patched it.”

ohioballer93

“Go (Expletive deleted) yourself you little (Expletive deleted) baby”

And my favorite:

rapeminem2

“hack dont (Expletive deleted) work dumb ass (Expletive deleted) faced (Expletive deleted) licker (Expletive deleted) (Expletive deleted) loser (Expletive deleted)!!!!!!!!they patched the ufo (Expletive deleted) hack (Expletive deleted)!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

As you can see, people are angrier than the German keyboard kid and they have every right to. They paid for a great game that has become unplayable due to third parties; they are being forced from the game by hackers. The angry comments and the backlash from the victims were obvious, but what really surprised me were the actual hackers JUSTIFYING their ways.

Dingleberry79

“only ass goblins and butt pirates report people, there just pissed because there to stupid to figure out how to hack.”

jackisnowinbed

“wow (Expletive deleted) u litle (Expletive deleted) hacking is fun and i am going to do it until it gets patched and btw u cant get baned on ps3 only on xbox so keven it is fucking fun to fly around so go do a fat donkey”

And the eye opener:

dwplaya

“i did this only 2 times and that was it but since there is so many people having this i went to waw to play until they patch this”

This hacker was actually regretful of hacking! He even admitted that people like him ruined the game! Could it be true? Could these critters actually feel remorse, penitence, or even dare I say it, shame?

This last specimen left me perplexed, he did not fit in the general archetype we all know and hate, it might be possible they were actually breeding with normal human beings (I know, they may somehow breed). It all seemed so fictitious, it kept rattling my brain, something was wrong. I thought about this for a long time but finally, through all my scholarly studies, I figured it out.

I checked dwplaya’s YouTube page and what I found came as a revelation. He had a few videos from exploits and glitches he had proudly found in W@W. When he says he had gone to W@W to play, he didn’t go to play, he went to glitch! It all made sense now, all hackers are the same! There are no different archetypes! They don’t feel remorse! And most important, they don’t breed!

You see, what I learned from my research is that hackers are some of the lowest form of living beings, right to the bottom with remoras, ticks, and every other parasite we know. They are the freeloaders of the human world, wasting away in their couches. Aside from the obvious facts we know about them (they are terrible without hacks, their grammar represents their mental age, they have zero interpersonal skills) they also lack any sense of propriety.

What do they plan to achieve by hacking? Reaching the top of the leaderboards with a hack is like reaching the summit of a mountain in a helicopter. They are driving away all the other players they leech from, until eventually, all that will be left is a Multiplayer filled with these sad parasites trying to shoot at each other with their pathetic hacks. Maybe they thrive on negative attention, where through some warped mental disorder they get off from all the hate they receive.

After my studious insight into these things, I have reached few new conclusions. The hacker I describe here is the hacker you and I know, and has changed very little throughout the years. I am sure that any true gamer can only look down on hackers, because other than rage, they inspire some amount of pity. They are simply sad guys, with little to no skills, looking for a way into a leaderboard. I hope this article has somehow quelled your hatred from them, and opened your eyes to the sad existence of these carrion eating creatures. With nothing further to add and as Mr. Colbert would say: “And that is tonight’s word! We’ll be right back!”

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